Two and a Half Men

Season 1

2003 · 24 episodes

• 1. Pilot Sep 22, 2003 23 min
• 2. Big Flappy Bastards Sep 29, 2003 21 min
• 3. Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell Oct 6, 2003 21 min
• 4. If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap Oct 13, 2003 21 min
• 5. The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump Oct 20, 2003 19 min
• 6. Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? Oct 27, 2003 21 min
• 7. If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake Nov 3, 2003 21 min
• 8. Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful Nov 10, 2003 19 min
• 9. Phase One, Complete Nov 17, 2003 21 min
• 10. Merry Thanksgiving Nov 24, 2003 21 min
• 11. Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor Dec 15, 2003 20 min
• 12. Camel Filters and Pheromones Jan 5, 2004 21 min
• 13. Sarah Like Puny Alan Jan 12, 2004 20 min
• 14. I Can't Afford Hyenas Feb 2, 2004 21 min
• 15. Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick Feb 9, 2004 21 min
• 16. That Was Saliva, Alan Feb 16, 2004 21 min
• 17. Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats Feb 23, 2004 20 min
• 18. An Old Flame with a New Wick Mar 1, 2004 21 min
• 19. I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You Mar 22, 2004 19 min
• 20. Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark Apr 19, 2004 21 min
• 21. No Sniffing, No Wowing May 3, 2004 21 min
• 22. My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet May 10, 2004 21 min
• 23. Just Like Buffalo May 17, 2004 21 min
• 24. Can You Feel My Finger? May 24, 2004 21 min

Season 2

2004 · 24 episodes

• 1. Back Off, Mary Poppins Sep 20, 2004 30 min
• 2. Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Sep 27, 2004 30 min
• 3. A Bag Full of Jawea Oct 4, 2004 30 min
• 4. Go Get Mommy's Bra Oct 11, 2004 21 min
• 5. Bad News from the Clinic? Oct 18, 2004 21 min
• 6. The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Oct 25, 2004 21 min
• 7. A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Nov 8, 2004 21 min
• 8. Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Nov 15, 2004 21 min
• 9. Yes, Monsignor Nov 22, 2004 22 min
• 10. The Salmon Under My Sweater Nov 29, 2004 21 min
• 11. Last Chance to See Those Tattoos Dec 13, 2004 21 min
• 12. A Lungful of Alan Jan 3, 2005 21 min
• 13. Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair) Jan 17, 2005 20 min
• 14. Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Jan 31, 2005 21 min
• 15. Smell the Umbrella Stand Feb 7, 2005 21 min
• 16. Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? Feb 14, 2005 21 min
• 17. Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! Feb 21, 2005 21 min
• 18. It Was 'Mame', Mom Mar 7, 2005 21 min
• 19. A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise Mar 21, 2005 21 min
• 20. I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Apr 18, 2005 21 min
• 21. A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On May 2, 2005 21 min
• 22. That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother May 9, 2005 21 min
• 23. Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab May 16, 2005 20 min
• 24. Does This Smell Funny to You? May 23, 2005 20 min

Season 3

2005 · 24 episodes

• 1. Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts Sep 19, 2005 22 min
• 2. Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Sep 26, 2005 22 min
• 3. Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark Oct 3, 2005 22 min
• 4. Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Oct 10, 2005 22 min
• 5. We Called It Mr. Pinky Oct 17, 2005 21 min
• 6. Hi, Mr. Horned One Oct 24, 2005 21 min
• 7. Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Nov 7, 2005 22 min
• 8. That Voodoo That I Do Do Nov 14, 2005 21 min
• 9. Madame and Her Special Friend Nov 21, 2005 21 min
• 10. Something Salted and Twisted Nov 28, 2005 22 min
• 11. Santa's Village of the Damned Dec 19, 2005 22 min
• 12. That Special Tug Jan 9, 2006 22 min
• 13. Humiliation Is a Visual Medium Jan 23, 2006 22 min
• 14. Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded Feb 6, 2006 22 min
• 15. My Tongue Is Meat Feb 27, 2006 22 min
• 16. Ergo, the Booty Call Mar 6, 2006 22 min
• 17. The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer Mar 13, 2006 21 min
• 18. The Spit-Covered Cobbler Mar 20, 2006 21 min
• 19. Golly Moses, She's a Muffin Apr 10, 2006 22 min
• 20. Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro Apr 24, 2006 21 min
• 21. And the Plot Moistens May 1, 2006 21 min
• 22. Just Once with Aunt Sophie May 8, 2006 22 min
• 23. Arguments for the Quickie May 15, 2006 22 min
• 24. That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite May 22, 2006 21 min

Season 4

2006 · 24 episodes

• 1. Working for Caligula Sep 18, 2006 22 min
• 2. Who Is This Vod Kanockers? Sep 25, 2006 22 min
• 3. The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress Oct 2, 2006 21 min
• 4. A Pot-Smokin' Monkey Oct 9, 2006 21 min
• 5. A Live Woman of Proven Fertility Oct 16, 2006 21 min
• 6. Apologies for the Frivolity Oct 23, 2006 20 min
• 7. Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head Nov 6, 2006 21 min
• 8. Release the Dogs Nov 13, 2006 22 min
• 9. Corey's Been Dead for an Hour Nov 20, 2006 21 min
• 10. Kissing Abe Lincoln Nov 27, 2006 21 min
• 11. Walnuts and Demerol Dec 11, 2006 21 min
• 12. Castrating Sheep in Montana Jan 8, 2007 21 min
• 13. Don't Worry, Speed Racer Jan 22, 2007 21 min
• 14. That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Feb 5, 2007 22 min
• 15. My Damn Stalker Feb 12, 2007 22 min
• 16. Young People Have Phlegm Too Feb 19, 2007 21 min
• 17. I Merely Slept with a Commie Feb 26, 2007 22 min
• 18. It Never Rains in Hooterville Mar 19, 2007 21 min
• 19. Smooth as a Ken Doll Apr 9, 2007 21 min
• 20. Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot Apr 16, 2007 21 min
• 21. Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous Apr 23, 2007 22 min
• 22. Mr. McGlue's Feedbag Apr 30, 2007 22 min
• 23. Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' May 7, 2007 21 min
• 24. Prostitutes and Gelato May 14, 2007 20 min

Season 5

2007 · 19 episodes

• 1. Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Sep 24, 2007 20 min
• 2. Media Room Slash Dungeon Oct 1, 2007 22 min
• 3. Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo Oct 8, 2007 21 min
• 4. City of Great Racks Oct 15, 2007 22 min
• 5. Putting Swim Fins on a Cat Oct 22, 2007 22 min
• 6. Help Daddy Find His Toenail Oct 29, 2007 21 min
• 7. The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room Nov 5, 2007 20 min
• 8. Is There a Mrs. Waffles? Nov 12, 2007 20 min
• 9. Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids Nov 19, 2007 20 min
• 10. Kinda Like Necrophilia Nov 26, 2007 22 min
• 11. Meander to Your Dander Mar 17, 2008 22 min
• 12. A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh Mar 24, 2008 22 min
• 13. The Soil Is Moist Mar 31, 2008 20 min
• 14. Winky-Dink Time Apr 14, 2008 22 min
• 15. Rough Night in Hump Junction Apr 21, 2008 21 min
• 16. Look at Me Mommy, I'm Pretty Apr 28, 2008 22 min
• 17. Fish in a Drawer May 5, 2008 21 min
• 18. If My Hole Could Talk May 12, 2008 21 min
• 19. Waiting for the Right Snapper May 19, 2008 22 min

Season 6

2008 · 24 episodes

• 1. Taterhead Is Our Love Child Sep 22, 2008 22 min
• 2. Pie Hole, Herb Sep 29, 2008 22 min
• 3. Damn You, Eggs Benedict Oct 6, 2008 22 min
• 4. The Flavin' and the Mavin' Oct 13, 2008 21 min
• 5. A Jock Strap in Hell Oct 20, 2008 22 min
• 6. It's Always Nazi Week Nov 3, 2008 22 min
• 7. Best H.O. Money Can Buy Nov 10, 2008 22 min
• 8. Pinocchio's Mouth Nov 17, 2008 22 min
• 9. The Mooch at the Boo Nov 24, 2008 22 min
• 10. He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited Dec 8, 2008 21 min
• 11. The Devil's Lube Dec 15, 2008 22 min
• 12. Thank God for Scoliosis Jan 12, 2009 20 min
• 13. I Think You Offended Don Jan 19, 2009 22 min
• 14. David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie Feb 2, 2009 21 min
• 15. I'd Like to Start with the Cat Feb 9, 2009 21 min
• 16. She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime Mar 2, 2009 20 min
• 17. The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? Mar 9, 2009 20 min
• 18. My Son's Enormous Head Mar 16, 2009 21 min
• 19. The Two Finger Rule Mar 30, 2009 20 min
• 20. Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau Apr 13, 2009 22 min
• 21. Above Exalted Cyclops Apr 27, 2009 21 min
• 22. Sir Lancelot's Litter Box May 4, 2009 20 min
• 23. Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth May 11, 2009 20 min
• 24. Baseball Was Better with Steroids May 18, 2009 21 min

Season 7

2009 · 22 episodes

• 1. 818-JKLPUZO Sep 21, 2009 21 min
• 2. Whipped Unto the Third Generation Sep 28, 2009 20 min
• 3. Mmm, Fish. Yum. Oct 5, 2009 19 min
• 4. Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator Oct 12, 2009 20 min
• 5. For the Sake of the Child Oct 19, 2009 21 min
• 6. Give Me Your Thumb Nov 2, 2009 20 min
• 7. Untainted by Filth Nov 9, 2009 22 min
• 8. Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. Nov 16, 2009 20 min
• 9. Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair Nov 23, 2009 21 min
• 10. That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" Dec 7, 2009 20 min
• 11. Warning, It's Dirty Dec 14, 2009 19 min
• 12. Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste Jan 11, 2010 22 min
• 13. Yay, No Polyps! Jan 18, 2010 20 min
• 14. Crude and Uncalled For Feb 1, 2010 21 min
• 15. Aye, Aye, Captain Douche Feb 8, 2010 22 min
• 16. Tinkle Like a Princess Mar 1, 2010 21 min
• 17. I Found Your Moustache Mar 8, 2010 21 min
• 18. Ixnay on the Oggie Day Mar 22, 2010 21 min
• 19. Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave Apr 12, 2010 18 min
• 20. I Called Him Magoo May 10, 2010 21 min
• 21. Gumby with a Pokey May 17, 2010 21 min
• 22. This Is Not Gonna End Well May 24, 2010 21 min

Season 8

2010 · 16 episodes

• 1. Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud Sep 20, 2010 21 min
• 2. A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer Sep 27, 2010 21 min
• 3. A Pudding-Filled Cactus Oct 4, 2010 21 min
• 4. Hookers, Hookers, Hookers Oct 11, 2010 21 min
• 5. The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel Oct 18, 2010 21 min
• 6. Twanging Your Magic Clanger Oct 25, 2010 21 min
• 7. The Crazy Bitch Gazette Nov 1, 2010 19 min
• 8. Springtime on a Stick Nov 8, 2010 21 min
• 9. A Good Time in Central Africa Nov 15, 2010 21 min
• 10. Ow, Ow, Don't Stop Nov 22, 2010 19 min
• 11. Dead from the Waist Down Dec 6, 2010 21 min
• 12. Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead Dec 13, 2010 21 min
• 13. Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup Jan 3, 2011 21 min
• 14. Lookin' for Japanese Subs Jan 17, 2011 21 min
• 15. Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak Feb 7, 2011 21 min
• 16. That Darn Priest Feb 14, 2011 19 min

Season 9

2011 · 24 episodes

• 1. Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Sep 19, 2011 21 min
• 2. People Who Love Peepholes Sep 26, 2011 21 min
• 3. Big Girls Don't Throw Food Oct 3, 2011 20 min
• 4. Nine Magic Fingers Oct 10, 2011 21 min
• 5. A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Oct 17, 2011 20 min
• 6. The Squat and Hover Oct 24, 2011 21 min
• 7. Those Fancy Japanese Toilets Oct 31, 2011 19 min
• 8. Thank You for the Intercourse Nov 7, 2011 21 min
• 9. Frodo's Headshots Nov 14, 2011 21 min
• 10. A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Nov 21, 2011 21 min
• 11. What a Lovely Landing Strip Dec 5, 2011 20 min
• 12. One False Move, Zimbabwe! Dec 12, 2011 21 min
• 13. Slowly and in a Circular Fashion Jan 2, 2012 20 min
• 14. A Possum on Chemo Jan 16, 2012 20 min
• 15. The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack Feb 6, 2012 21 min
• 16. Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy Feb 13, 2012 20 min
• 17. Not in My Mouth! Feb 20, 2012 19 min
• 18. The War Against Gingivitis Feb 27, 2012 21 min
• 19. Palmdale, Ech Mar 19, 2012 21 min
• 20. Grandma's Pie Apr 9, 2012 21 min
• 21. Mr. Hose Says "Yes" Apr 16, 2012 21 min
• 22. Why We Gave Up Women Apr 30, 2012 21 min
• 23. The Straw in My Donut Hole May 7, 2012 21 min
• 24. Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! May 14, 2012 21 min

Season 10

2012 · 23 episodes

• 1. I Changed My Mind About the Milk Sep 27, 2012 21 min
• 2. A Big Bag of Dog Oct 4, 2012 20 min
• 3. Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt Oct 11, 2012 21 min
• 4. You Do Know What the Lollipop's For Oct 18, 2012 21 min
• 5. That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam Oct 25, 2012 20 min
• 6. Ferrets, Attack! Nov 1, 2012 20 min
• 7. Avoid the Chinese Mustard Nov 8, 2012 21 min
• 8. Something My Gynecologist Said Nov 15, 2012 21 min
• 9. I Scream When I Pee Nov 29, 2012 20 min
• 10. One Nut Johnson Dec 6, 2012 21 min
• 11. Give Santa a Tail-Hole Dec 13, 2012 22 min
• 12. Welcome to Alancrest Jan 3, 2013 22 min
• 13. Grab a Feather and Get in Line Jan 10, 2013 21 min
• 14. Run, Steven Staven! Run! Jan 31, 2013 21 min
• 15. Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It Feb 7, 2013 21 min
• 16. Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby Feb 14, 2013 21 min
• 17. Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries Feb 21, 2013 21 min
• 18. The 9:04 from Pemberton Mar 7, 2013 21 min
• 19. Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon Mar 14, 2013 21 min
• 20. Bazinga! That's from a TV Show Apr 4, 2013 21 min
• 21. Another Night with Neil Diamond Apr 25, 2013 21 min
• 22. My Bodacious Vidalia May 2, 2013 21 min
• 23. Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped May 9, 2013 22 min

Season 11

2013 · 22 episodes

• 1. Nangnangnangnang Sep 26, 2013 21 min
• 2. I Think I Banged Lucille Ball Oct 3, 2013 21 min
• 3. This Unblessed Biscuit Oct 10, 2013 22 min
• 4. Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank Oct 17, 2013 21 min
• 5. Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 Oct 24, 2013 21 min
• 6. Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants Nov 7, 2013 21 min
• 7. Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie Nov 14, 2013 21 min
• 8. Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. Nov 21, 2013 21 min
• 9. Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer Dec 5, 2013 21 min
• 10. On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! Dec 12, 2013 21 min
• 11. Tazed in the Lady Nuts Jan 2, 2014 21 min
• 12. Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. Jan 9, 2014 21 min
• 13. Bite Me, Supreme Court Jan 30, 2014 21 min
• 14. Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe Feb 6, 2014 21 min
• 15. Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin Feb 27, 2014 21 min
• 16. How to Get Rid of Alan Harper Mar 6, 2014 21 min
• 17. Welcome Home, Jake Mar 13, 2014 21 min
• 18. West Side Story Apr 3, 2014 21 min
• 19. Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang Apr 10, 2014 22 min
• 20. Lotta Delis in Little Armenia Apr 24, 2014 21 min
• 21. Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot May 1, 2014 21 min
• 22. Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead May 8, 2014 21 min

Season 12

2014 · 16 episodes

• 1. The Ol' Mexican Spinach Oct 30, 2014 21 min
• 2. A Chic Bar in Ibiza Nov 6, 2014 21 min
• 3. Glamping in a Yurt Nov 13, 2014 21 min
• 4. Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight Nov 20, 2014 21 min
• 5. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Nov 27, 2014 21 min
• 6. Alan Shot a Little Girl Dec 4, 2014 21 min
• 7. Sex with an Animated Ed Asner Dec 11, 2014 21 min
• 8. Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey Dec 18, 2014 21 min
• 9. Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey Jan 8, 2015 21 min
• 10. Here I Come, Pants! Jan 15, 2015 21 min
• 11. For Whom the Booty Calls Jan 22, 2015 21 min
• 12. A Beer-Battered Rip-Off Jan 29, 2015 21 min
• 13. Boompa Loved His Hookers Feb 5, 2015 21 min
• 14. Don't Give a Monkey a Gun Feb 12, 2015 21 min
• 15. Of Course He's Dead (1) Feb 19, 2015 18 min
• 16. Of Course He's Dead (2) Feb 19, 2015 21 min